Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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