I can't breathe out the right side of my face
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
