There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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