Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
