I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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