toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize