whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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