Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
