FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
