I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
