I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
