I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I need a beard to bite.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
