Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
