I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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