im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
