Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
