The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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