youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the condom got lost in my hair
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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