I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
