just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
