I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
