she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
