I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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