just come out here and I will go home with you...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize