she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
