I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
