I wish they made helmets for livers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
