last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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