no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
