STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
