My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
