someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
