Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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