If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
