I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
