I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it glows. i had to have it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
