I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
