I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
