The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
