I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
