i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
