I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
