My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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