Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
