Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
And then my night got REAL pukey
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
