Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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