I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
