Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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