pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize