Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
it glows. i had to have it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
