i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
