life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You've changed since you got that strap on
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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