she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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