im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
