We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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