Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
