i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
