I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
