I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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